saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
