she woke up with a sticky ear
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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