Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
