I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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