I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
