I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize