Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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