i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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