I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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