When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize