I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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