I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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