So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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