The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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