No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
