I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
