yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
