The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
