Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize