Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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