discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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