Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We need a shit load of segways right now
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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