I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
