I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
