i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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