we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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