Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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