i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
