I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
