I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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