Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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