i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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