alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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