I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
