My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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