I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My boob is missing a layer of skin
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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