you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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