someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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