My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
