so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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