And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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