I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
