My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
