I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
