Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize