I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
