youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
