you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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