Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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