tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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