A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
