I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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