mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
