put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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