I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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