im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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