Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
