my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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