my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize