How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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