Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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