i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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