I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
