do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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