she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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